Identity Crisis: Mourning The ME Before I Had My Daughter.

We may not all say it out loud. We may not all feel the same crisis either. But with certainty I can say most of us have felt this at some point in our lives. You know what I’m talking about. The me before kids. Remember her? She was carefree, maybe had a wild spirit and lowkey didn’t have to worry so much about all the responsibilities that we currently have, now that we are parents.

It’s hard to remember her, the person I was before kids. The individual I was and how I lived my life before I had kids. I feel like I drift more and more away from the woman I was to the woman I am now.

This identity crisis has whole-heartedly taken over my life for the past year or so. I’m 30 now. And to be honest the same phrase keeps replaying over and over again in my head, as if I didn’t need the constant reminder, “Holy Shit, I’m thirty”. For many it’s just another number. But to me, it’s a symbol of where I am in my life and the fact that I am not exactly where I want to be in certain areas of my life. While, I feel blessed and fortunate to have an overall great life, family, job, etc. There are a few things that have not quite set well with me yet. Partly my health, but also who I am as a person.

Years ago, before I had my daughter, I had worked for a couple of years on learning how to love myself. I changed my life around, developed a great workout routine, got up early, and also was in a great place in my life. Then I fell in love and a couple years after that we had a baby. But since having a baby, my life has been turned upside down. In both the best and worst way possible.

While it is the happiest moment of my life to have given birth to my beautiful daughter, I also felt like a part of me died, to be put bluntly. If you are a mom reading this then you may know the exact sentiment I am referring to. When you are so consumed with working, being a mom, a wife, and everything in between, it really does overwhelm you. Who has time for exercise? Who has time to cook every single night? Who has time for anything, let alone time for yourself? It’s hard, like really hard. Most of us push through and manage to do it all, day in and day out.

I digress.

I have found myself constantly reminiscing about the time before kids. The time when I had all the time to do things for myself. I miss that. Often, I find myself getting frustrated that I can’t do what I want when I want to. It’s what we sign up for when we become parents. But, I am here to tell you, that it’s ok to mourn for the you before kids.

While it’s ok to mourn this past time, pre-kids, it’s also important to note that you should work on finding yourself again. This means doing things for yourself, making time for you, and making sure you are taking care of your well being. Be it your mental, physical or emotional health, we MUST make time for it or else we’ll go crazy every day. After all, if we don’t take care of ourselves first, how can we properly take care of our family?

I mourn the ME before kids but I am also trying to figure all of this out. Where do I want to be in my relationship? Where do I want to be in my career? Just some of the questions I debacle with from time to time. It’s a daily struggle to find myself all over again. Throw in that my daughter is 5, a crazy stage for kids, plus all this pandemic mess and then the other normal stresses of life. Where and how am I supposed to find time to find myself all over again.

Yet, I still work on it daily. I work on my identity crisis each day and just as much as I take strides in the right direction, I also have set backs. Am I a mom? 100%! But I am also me, first and foremost. And in order to be a good mama, I need to be sane. I need to still have moments to myself. I have often felt guilty for this but I am here to say enough is enough. If I want to mourn the me before kids, I will. If I want to have moments to myself, I will. My ability to stay sane, needs this selfcare space in my life. I am a mom everyday, no matter what, and for the rest of my life. But it doesn’t mean you need to lose sight of the person you are. It doesn’t mean you are any less of a person or a woman for wanting to make time for yourself to focus on your health and well being.

So often, we as moms and as women are told we need to feel a certain way or need to be a certain way but who sets the rule book? Let me tell ya who. NO ONE. We make the rules, we make decisions that are best for ourselves and our families, and only we can decide how we feel or how we live our lives. For any momma’s reading this, remember that you are enough and that you do not need anyone to validate your feelings. If you miss the time before kids, that is ok. If you don’t, that is ok too!

Being a mother is the greatest joy of my life. But I am and will always be an individual. I am just one mom out of so many trying to figure all of this out. This is an open and judgment-free space. I hope reading my blog helps someone else who is also struggling to figure it all out!

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